Chapter 5: Day 2 (2 of 2)

I spent the day away from my young guests, as I had a prior engagement with my employer. We bid each other adieu and promised to meet again in the evening, to exchange tales of our day’s exploits. 

The day did not lack for excitement. This morning’s Cheerios observation had me so intrigued that I could not stop myself from exploring the subject further. How could what appears to be a breakfast cereal made of toasted whole grain oats spontaneously reproduce when spilled out onto a floor? To find the answer, I had to involve one of history’s most influential philosophical traditions: Scientific inquiry.

I was able to scuttle away a few “O” shaped remnants from the morning’s near disaster and squirrel them away in my frock coat pocket. When I arrived at the lab, greeting the morning guard Nigel with out customary grunt and head nod (never any eye contact), I placed the “O”s into my fluorescence microscope. I wasn’t expecting much. My hypothesis was that if the reproduction was happening sexually, then there would have to be some other party present at the time of conception, since Cheerios, to the naked eye, were all so clearly female. But what I found filled me with shock and awe.

Firstly, the few cheerios I had in my waistcoat had increased in number exponentially. I knew with 98.6% certainty that no other “thing” could had contaminated my small sample, encouraging its propagation. Secondly, the readings from the microscope read like something from the sort of pulp fiction you might find littering a Douglas Adams convention.  A summary report follows:

[Begin Report] Cheerios are animals in class Oatozoa of phylum Circledaria typically living in compact colonies of many identical individual "polyps". The group can include may sub-classes, including “Honey Nut”, “Apple Cinnamon”,  and “Multigrain”

A Cheerio "O" is actually a colony of myriad genetically identical polyps. Each polyp is a spineless animal typically only a few millimeters in diameter and a few millimeters in length. A set of tentacles surround a central mouth opening. An exoskeleton is excreted near the base. Over many generations, the colony thus creates a large yellow box that is characteristic of the species. Individual heads grow by asexual reproduction of polyps. Cheerios also breed sexually by spawning: polyps of the same species release gametes simultaneously over a period of one to several nights, usually around a full moon. [End Report]

While, in time, this investigation may raise more questions than it answers, it does answer the age-old question, “what is the powdery stuff that collects at the bottom of the Cheerios bag?” I will be sure to avoid inhaling these particulates in the future, now that I can with near certainty identify them as the by-product of a primitive and fascinating ritual—the Cheeri-orgy.

After a full day in the lab, I picked up my charges at the appointed time and location. I didn’t dare speak of my day’s pursuits. We still have so much more to learn about each other, before I can trust them with my life’s work. Tonight, I plan on getting to know them each a little better.  

Yours in science,

Professor Timmy 

Continue to Next Chapter »